Five Doors

The Hummer needs no introduction.  Like its predecessor the Willys Jeep, the Hummer is instantly recognizable.  Anyone who’s been in or around the US military in the past decade has seen one.  The United States’ loyal multipurpose workhorse is recognized around the world, in fact.  And what you see here is that same truck, with a nice coat of paint, an air conditioner, and no rocket launchers.  Period.

The real question is this:  If you’re not mounting an invasion, what the heck do you need a Hummer for?  Luckily, with a base price of $75,987 that quickly skyrockets to over $100,000, not many people will have to ask themselves that question.

It’s also a good thing the price is high enough to keep civilian Hummers scarce.  The ultimate SUV it may be, but it’s at the cost of quite a lot of aluminum, heavy-gauge welded steel, and other natural resources.  Many Hummers have been pressed into pavement-only service as billboard vehicles for radio stations and businesses nationwide.  That’s no surprise.  To drive a Hummer anywhere is to experience the sensation of being an instant celebrity.  Arnold Schwarzenegger drives one, but that’s redundant.  Joe Schmoe from the video store will get just as many looks as Ah-nold when he tools around in a bright red Hummer.

It doesn’t look quite like any other factory-built SUV out there.  The Hummer sits high off the ground on 37″ tires.  The tires are pushed out to the corners, to maximize approach and departure angles in hostile terrain.  The Hummer is wide, also; over seven feet wide, to be specific.  In spite of the high-bellied look and huge tires, it’s not much taller than a Cadillac Escalade.  The spiderlike stance also means that the engine and drivetrain are high off the ground, away from any potential danger strong enough to punch through the massive welded cage that protects them.  The body itself was clearly designed exclusively by engineers; there’s not a purely aesthetic screw or bolt anywhere on the Hummer.  The split windshield is made of easily replaceable flat glass.  The squat air intake on the hood is a short version of the military Hummer’s river-fording snorkel, the square, small doors are sized and mounted for quick removal, and the high doorsills keep the interior water-tight.  Those big, cumbersome-looking mirrors eliminate most of the blind spots.  The taillights look like they’ve been taken from the parts bin of a trailer manufacturer.  The slotted grille on top of the hood feeds air to the radiator, which is set at an almost horizontal angle–so it’s harder to shoot.  Shoot?  Oh, right.  Military vehicle.  Those funny rings poking through the hood are yet another vestige from military Hummers; they’re airlift rings, for helicopter pickup and delivery.

Creature comforts?  Not hardly.  The Hummer is tough as nails inside and out.  Driver and passengers are grudgingly admitted in four narrow seats that seem to hang from the sides of the massive center hump, under which the engine and transmission live.  That’s all.  Four passengers.  There’s a lot of air space inside the Hummer.  The seats are reportedly a step up from the ultra-light canvas units used by the military.  They’re chair-height, so riding is actually comfortable.  There’s no carpet.  The steering wheel is a tiny unit that looks like it was swiped from a go-kart, and the gauges are equally space-efficient, scattered about the small dashboard.  With a few more, it would feel like the cockpit of a WWII bomber.  The front seat passenger and driver are hemmed in by the engine hump, which is about chin-high.  Radio and air conditioning controls are angled toward the driver; in fact, the only thing the front seat passenger can do is open the CD changer.  Rear-seat passengers fare somewhat better, with rear-seat audio controls cribbed from a Chevrolet Suburban.  Up overhead, the optional Monsoon sound system snakes across the ceiling, directing one or two speakers directly at each passenger.  It sounds good, too.

The Hummer seems somewhat bemused by civilian duty.  But like a good soldier, it never complains.  It will just as soon shop for groceries, if you’re so inclined, as drive up a gravel hill.  There’s plenty of space for grocery bags in the Hummer’s cavernous wagon-style cargo area.

Under the hood, a 6.5 liter diesel churns away.  Power is routed through a full-time four-wheel drive system and a four-speed automatic transmission keeps the drive simple.  The big diesel produces 430 pound-feet of torque, allowing the Hummer to accelerate away from traffic lights just like a car.  Once at speed, that flat face begins to run into air molecules, however.  Freeway accleration is best described as glacial.  Taking the Hummer on the freeway is less of an adventure than you might imagine.  Althouh you can’t talk to any of your passengers without shouting thanks to the noise from the tires and engine, and the distances involved, the Hummer stoically follows orders when told to speed up, and plows along as best it can.  With a top speed of just over 83 miles per hour, it’s giving almost everything it’s got just to keep up with traffic, but never feels strained.  A civilian Hummer can tow over 7500 lb. as well.

But seriously, how big is it?  Look, Ma–no airbags.  The Hummer is big enough to qualify as a Class 3 truck.  Side impact beams and the Hummer’s massive frame comprise the bulk of the safety equipment.

The Hummer waddles on pavement.  The fully independent suspension is more at home crashing over two-foot high sand dunes and through lakebeds.  It’s got massive swaybars for just that reason.  The result is a bouncy-yet-stiff ride on paved roads.  But for the record, there are scarier, worse-handling SUVs than a Hummer.  And none of them can acquit their questionable handling by climbing a two-foot vertical ledge without hesitating, or climb a sixty-percent grade.  Speed bumps are laughable; a Hummer can run over concrete parking blocks at 15 miles per hour without blinking.  (Warning:  Your passengers may not approve of this if they are not expecting it.)

Although it looks anything but sophisticated, there’s some extremely high-tech hardware living under the Hummer’s skin.  The brake discs are mounted in the center of the body, to help protect them from damage during the inevitable enthusiastic off-road excursion.  Anti-lock brakes and traction control are standard.  The optional central tire inflation system (CTIS) can inflate or deflate the tires on the fly with an onboard air compressor.  Cool stuff.

Our test truck was a four-passenger wagon.  Loaded up with 17″ wheels, run-flat tires, CTIS, a heated windshield, and celebrity-style dark tinted glass, it stickered for a stratospheric $109,834.  Once again, those less than truly committed need not apply.

It’s rare these days that a sport-utility lives up to its own hype.  The Hummer is such a vehicle.  Period.

Specifications:
All specs are for the 2001 Hummer H1, which we tested.
Length:     184.5 in.
Width:        86.5 in.
Height:        75 in.
Wheelbase:    130. in.
Curb weight:    7154 lb.
Towing capacity:    7646 lb.
Base price:    $94,529
Price as tested: $109,834
Engine:     6.5 liter turbodiesel V8
Drivetrain:     four-speed automatic, four-wheel drive
Horsepower:     195 @ 3400
Torque:     430 @ 1800
Fuel capacity:    25 gal. + 17 gal. reserve
Est. mileage:    Don’t be silly.