I don’t understand.  If the ultimate off-road vehicle, the Hummer, appeals to you, but it’s just a bit too crude for your taste, then perhaps the Hummer isn’t really what you want.  Land Rover and Mercedes are happy to offer vehicles with similarly extreme abilities (most of which will go to waste) that are more civilized for the drive from the country club to the yacht club.  So there’s no need for Hummer to compromise, right?

Right?

Evidently, Hummer didn’t think so.  Say hello to the 2003 H2.  It’s a kinder, gentler Hummer.  No, seriously.  The brick-like design is instantly familiar and the phenomenal off-road ability is still a part of the package, but the H2 treats the human beings inside of it like passengers, rather than ordnance.  With Hummer looks and a comfortable leather interior, it’s aimed directly at those who wanted the street cred of the military-derived Hummer H1, but also want to drive it every day.  In fifty years expect it to be placed right up there with Ford’s gigantic excursion as a quaint example of the silly things we were driving “back in the ’00s.”

Upon first meeting the H2, it’s surprising to imagine that Hummer is pitching this as the H1′s “little brother.”  It’s enormous!  The H2′s eighty-two inch height insures it will tower over most of its drivers at the curb.  The block-of-cheese styling only gives the H2 more curb presence.  The face carries the Hummer design trademarks of narrow windows, a vertical-slot grille and close-mounted headlamps, a tall body, and a tilt-forward hood.   The rounded edges and bold details give the impression that the H2 has been drawn by some cosmic cartoonist.  It’s even got clearance lights atop the cab, front and rear.  Thirty-five inch tall tires dwarf the 17″ wheels.

Inside the H2, everything seems to have been scaled up.  The console and shifter are about twenty percent larger than they need to be, and chrome and leather are abundant.  You could be inside the world’s largest, most expensive Tonka toy.  The view out is somewhat better than in an H1 but the windshield still resembles a gunner’s slit.  Most noticeable are the much more luxurious appointments.  Try getting heated seats for all four occupants and a leather interior in an H1!  The H2 is ready to give any of its European off-road luxury trucks a run for the money.  There are some parts borrowed from General Motors’ component bins, most notably the Suburban door handles and instrument panel, but they don’t detract from the H2′s toughness.  Behind the second row of seats there’s a big boxy cargo area that will swallow up to 40 cubic feet of stuff, but a lot of space is taken up by the giant spare tire.  A single third-row jumpseat is best reserved for extremely naughty passengers.

Under the hood, the H2 opts for a conventional gasoline V8 engine rather than the big diesel used by the H1.  With 316 hp, the 6,400-lb H2 is only slightly sluggish on the road, not that anyone will be rushing anywhere in an H2 anyway.  The acceleration-friendly 4.10 axle ratio that’s standard equipment keeps the big beast from being left too far behind at traffic lights.  The low gearing isn’t intended to boost zero to sixty times, of course.  With the standard dual-range transfer case and four-wheel drive, the H2 is ready to go climb rocks and creep down steep, muddy hills.  A locking rear differential is also standard equipment.  The H2 drives a lot like the H1, but with less engine noise.  The bank-vault solidity is there, and it’s easy to imagine that you’re driving an unstoppable vehicle.

It may seem be civilized on the road, but the H2 is still hungry for mud and rocks.  The H2 rides the same chassis as a Chevy Tahoe, believe it or not.  A Class III trailer hitch is integrated at the back, and there’s also a receiver hitch in the front.  If you’re not sure what it’s for, any off-roader will tell you that it facilitates a front-mounted winch and makes it easier to pull your friends out, or for them to pull you out should you manage to get the H2 stuck.  This is highly unlikely.  The H2 features an independent torsion bar front suspension, and a live axle supported by five links and coils in the rear.  Ground clearance is a startling ten inches.  An optional air suspension allows the rear of the H2 to be raised up to two inches for additional clearance.  Try that with your Chevy SUV!  The Tahoe doesn’t share the H2′s massive skid plates and fuel tank protectors, either.  H2s ordered with the optional onboard air compressor have a protective shield for that as well.

The H2 is equipped like a civilian vehicle when it comes to safety as well.  Four-wheel anti-lock brakes are standard, and unlike the H1 this Hummer’s got airbags.  Two-stage traction control is also included.  This system prevents wheelspin on dry pavement, but can be made to allow an amount of slippage in situations where it can be helpful (in sand, for instance).

Hummer reports that since August, the H2 has outsold both the Lincoln Navigator and Cadillac Escalade, its domestic competitors.  One of the factors making the H2 an instant success is its price tag.  $48,065 is a healthy bit of change, but it’s still only half the cost of the legendary H1.  Since H2 drivers aren’t giving up that much in the way of ultimate-activity ability, the junior Hummer is actually something of a bargain.

For once, you can have your cake and eat it too.  It almost seems unfair, that the Hummer’s off-road prowess is available in a truck with this many creature comforts.  Whether or not it makes sense is up to you.  Chances are, half the population is going to sigh sadly and watch the country’s fuel consumption creep ever higher.  The other half will be giving enthusiastic thumbs-ups to Hummer H2 drivers.  The power of choice is a wonderful thing!

Specifications:
All specs are for the 2003 Hummer H2, which we tested.
Length:         189.8 in.
Width:            81.2 in.
Height:            82.0 in.
Wheelbase:        122.8 in.
Curb weight:        6400 lb.
Cargo space:        40 cu.ft.
Towing capacity (if app.):     7000 lb.
Base price:        $48,065
Price as tested:     $52,870
Engine:         6.0 liter V8
Drivetrain:         four-speed automatic transmission, four-wheel drive
Horsepower:         315 @ 5200 (preliminary)
Torque:         360 @ 4000 (preliminary)
Fuel capacity:        32 gal.