Imagine that you’ve come up with an absolutely foolproof way to teach a polar bear to tap-dance, complete with top hat and tails.  It’s a heck of an accomplishment, sure, and everyone’s really impressed.  The question is, if you stopped along the way to ask yourself if the effort was worth it, what would the answer be?

Meet the BMW X5, the auto industry’s latest tap-dancing polar bear.  Don’t get us wrong, it dances well, and we appreciate the show–it’s just that we can’t help but wonder what, exactly, the point of it is.

The sport-utility market is already so thickly contested and profitable that few heads turned when sports sedan manufacturer BMW announced that it was going to build an SUV as well.  Mercedes’ M-Class was fresh on the ground, and where Mercedes goes, BMW tends to also.  The X5 arrived in 1999 wearing unmistakable BMW styling and poise.  For 2001 a new model is added.  At BMW, a new model means a new engine, and the X5 3.0i is no exception.  A three-liter V6 gives the X5 a less expensive model, to compete in price with lesser luxo-utes from Land Rover and Mercedes.

At a glance, it’s obvious that the X5 takes design influence from no sources except its stablemates at BMW.  The twin-kidney grille and quad round headlamps are unmistakable, as are the character lines running up the hood and down the sides of the truck.   The X5 looks like a 5-series wagon scaled up several levels, which is certainly what BMW intended.  The tail is sloped rather than squared off, but the taillights are also standard BMW fare, though they aren’t shared with any other cars in the lineup.  The X5 sports huge, 17″ wheels which speak to its off-road ability, but it bears too much resemblance to roadgoing BMW sedans to pull off “rugged.”  The X5 looks powerful, but not necessarily like it wants to go play in the mud.

After climbing up and into this surprisingly large truck, passengers are treated to the widest console this side of a Hummer, and a broad, flat dash.  All of the gauges, radio, and air conditioning controls seem to have been flattened to form as horizontal a line as possible.  The gauges could have been yanked directly out of an BMW 7-Series.  At night, small red lights hidden in the dash cast handy, unobtrusive ambient light that matches the red-lit dash.  The X5 feels incredibly substantial from the firm but comfortable driver’s seat, as if it’s been carved from a single block of metal.  Utility?  Judging by the split tailgate, which is great for tailgate parties but makes loading even difficult than the very high tail does, carrying things in the X5 is a secondary concern.

There’s no doubt that it’s a BMW from the first twist of the key.  The X5 is built like a tank; it feels like an unlikely combination of Lexus RX300 and Wells Fargo armored truck.  Power is supplied by a 24-valve V6, with a five-speed transmission (manual is standard, automatic is optional) turning all four wheels.  Vehicles weighing over two tons can never be described as “eager” when it comes to acceleration, but the X5 comes close, even with the smaller motor.  BMW’s VANOS variable valve timing system spreads the powerband out, making the most of the 3.0 liter’s 225 horses.

And even with all of that weight, it really does dance.  The X5 is more confident when attacking a long curve than many cars are.  An independent suspension at all four corners is set up similar to that of BMW sedans to keep the X5 poised on those big wheels, and the full-time all-wheel drive.  Four-wheel ABS is along for the ride, of course.  It takes a dangerously fast maneuver to make the X5 feel top-heavy and unstable.  But is it any good off-road?  Well, it’s not bad, to be honest.  The X5 is equipped with Hill Descent Control and traction control, to keep the tires in line.  The tires aren’t made for mud, but they’re not averse to a bit of humping and bumping through the dirt.  But the X5 won’t like you for it.

Opting for BMW’s SUV will get you ait conditioning, a five-speed manual transmission and power windows on the list of standard equipment.  The 3.0i is the less expensive X5, and sticker prices start at $38,900.  That’s competitive with the Mercedes ML320 and Land Rover Discovery, naturally.  Our test vehicle was equipped with an automatic transmission, moonroof, and leather interior, which bumped the base price to $43,770.

Okay, so it’s a sports sedan that looks like an SUV. Of course, if you’re after serious off-roading, and have $40,000 to spend, you’d have bought a Land Rover anyway.  If you don’t plan to get dirty, enjoy outhandling the other luxo-utes with BMW’s dancing bear.

Specifications:
All specs are for the 2001 BMW X5 3.0i, which we tested.
Length:     183.7 in.
Width:        73.7 in.
Height:        67.5 in.
Wheelbase:    111.0 in.
Curb weight:    4572 lb
Cargo space:    16.1 cu.ft. (seats up); 54.4 cu.ft. (seats folded)
Towing capacity:    5000 lb.
Base price:    $38,900
Price as tested: $43,770
Engine:     3.0 liter, DOHC 24-valve inline 6 cylinder
Drivetrain:     five-speed automatic, all-wheel drive
Horsepower:     225 @ 5900
Torque:     214 @ 3500
Fuel capacity:    24.6 gal.
Est. mileage:    15/20

6/2009 update:  The X5 has been a success for BMW, of course.  The second-generation vehicle looks much like the first, for better or for worse, so the layperson won’t be able to tell a new one from a 2001 model at a glance.